I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Charles C. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet. Log in or Create an account.
Please choose to. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
But I don't tell you this.
Finn September 1966. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
I want to stop playing them. I don't want anybody to know it. With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. I am someone you know very well.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. I don't like hiding.